BBQ Knight

Slowitticus, the Hero General of the Knights of Y assembled his men in their usual formation. The battlefield was ideal for the Knights, flat and straight. A gentle hill just below their castle would enable them to get some momentum up as they charged towards the goblin horde that was lurking between two small patches of wood.

The Knights of Y rode into their positions, General Slowitticus in the centre, flanked by the pure of thought paladin, MT Head, and his fellow Hero Lowique (who was a close cousin of the general). Further to the left and right were the Knights of Y, and on each flank were the Apprentice Riders.

View of the battlefield from behind the Knights of X

Slowitticus thought aloud, the only way he could, “When the goblins run for the woods, send in the riders to flush them out for the knights to kill!”

The Riders happily chattered with each other, boasting of how they would distinguish themselves and make the leap to a fully-fledged Knight of Y. No longer would they have to carry the carbine of cowardice, they wanted to carry the lance of pride.

In the line the Knights were quiet. They knew what they were up against. An evil and devious foe, well led and numerous. The Knights took comfort in their superior training and weaponry, their faithful horses and their brave leaders.

The smarter Knights wondered at General Slowitticus' comments at the feast the night before. If the goblins were so stupid and cowardly, why was this nearly the last of the Knight’s castles left on the island? Only the Knights of Z castle was still standing on the northern shore of the island.

Slowitticus surveyed the line of his knights, brave as brave could be. He fully expected to be back in the Castle for an early dinner and had told his servants to ready a feast. All the army was in order so Slowitticus called for his trumpeter, “Sound your horn for the walk!”

The trumpeter raised his horn, and with a loud “blart blarty blart” the signal for the walk was given.

Slowly the line of Heros, Knights and Riders moved forward. To the spectators on the castle wall it was a magnificent sight. The banners were flapping in the wind, the knights' armour glittered in the sunlight and the horses neighed and stamped the ground.

In the Goblin Horde, Neil and Nigel were talking. “I'm starving” said Neil.
“You’re always starving” replied Nigel.

“Do you think the battle will take a long time?” asked Neil.
“Probably a few hours at least” said Nigel. “The last battle last week took forever!” he continued.

“Neil, have you had your breakfast?”
“No I haven't. I couldn't stand another can of Goblent Green. The last can I ate had finger nails and hair in it! The hygiene they use when preparing it must be dreadful.” Nigel um'ed and arh'd but decided not comment on this.

Neil cheered up. “Here they come, soon we are going to eat, and some nice horse as well. I love BBQ horse!” Nigel smiled and checked his weapons for the tenth time. The trouble with his weapons was that there was not much to check. Your average rock generally does not go off. He hoped that in this battle he would finally be able to get a real weapon, like a dagger, or one of those pointy sticks, or even one day, a sword.

He was broken out of his reverie by the sound of his general shouting out the Gobbo battle prayer.

The General yelled:  “Are you hungry!”
The Horde screamed back “YES!”
The General yelled “Here it comes!”
The Horde screamed back “LET’S EAT!”
The General finished the prayer “Amen!”

On the other side of the battlefield General Slowitticus said “Hear that! The gobbos are frightened, listen to their screams!” He turned to his trumpeter and said, “Sound the Charge!”

The Knights advanced on their monstrous enemy and the battle was joined. Below is a series of images from a wizards drone crystal ball.

The knights charge towards the goblins

The Riders chase the Goblin Hordes into the bad going

The Knights line is broken by unexpected bow fire from the Goblins while the riders on the wings are repulsed.

The Knights try to reform their lines but are hampered by inadequate PIPs.

The Goblin archers fire again and recoil some Knights

The Riders race in on both flanks but while  the left is successful the right is destroyed

The Goblins on the right move to flank the Knight Line

The Knights attack but one knight base is destroyed when charging with the General and Lowique is recoiled. Luckily General Slowiticus stays in contact and next turn the Goblins are sure to be destroyed.

The Blue knights are destroyed on the right and the riders are destroyed on the left. But Slowiticus is triumphant as the Goblins before him recoil.

But inconceivably the General is then recoiled. MT Head is killed and suddenly things are looking chancy for the Knights.

The Goblins kill the last rider on the left and move in for the kill.

General Slowiticus is killed surrounded by piles of dead Goblins (or so the heralds sing)

At this point even Lowique can see that things may not be proceeding in a favourable manner for the Knights and it may be necessary to re-group and counter attack at a later time. As only his Red chapter of Knights remain it is an easy decision to leave the battlefield and express their severe disappointment at the failure of the Blue and Yellow chapters.

After the battle Nigel wondered around the battlefield talking to Neil's head and showing him the sights searching the bodies. “Look at that Neil. There is good eating on that horse. It even comes with its own BBQ plate!” Neil looked blankly at the horse, saying nothing. Nigel turned over ten or so bodies before he finally found what he was looking for. “Oh dear, this looks terrible. Um, what can I say Neil, look at your body. You have left it in a terrible state, that spear has gone straight through you and your neck is a mess.” Nigel put Neil's head down while he tried to straighten the body out. Halfway through his endeavours the left arm fell off. “Oh look at that” he said to no one in particular.

“OK Neil, I leave you here with your body and hopefully it will work out. Come and see me if you get sorted, OK! See you soon I hope.” Nigel strode off towards the nearest fire where some Goblins were cooking a horse. He held onto his new dagger and patted his new sword that was tied to his waist humming a happy tune.

Later on when the Goblins were asleep, some wagons came up and started collecting the bodies of all the Goblins and men who were left on the battlefield. Just peeking from under the banner saying Goblin Grave Commission was the small green cylinder logo of the Goblent Green Company.

Lying under a pile of goblins, crushed and hurting from where a well aimed rock had struck his face, Slowiticus groaned and asked for water. The goblins collecting bodies moved over to him and carried him to the cart. “Thank you” groaned Slowiticus. The goblins asked his leader, “Shall I kill him boss?” “No just leave him, he will be fresher at the factory.” the leader replied. They stacked the remaining bodies over Slowiticus and these drowned out his cries. Eventually, the cart full, they took off for the factory.